Feast Of St. Erasmus
Part Two
or...
Fly, Little Irishman, Fly
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely for the sake of schtick. Any resemblance to actual places, well, that’s verisimilitude.
Naw ah know yer wonderin’ about that one. What on god’s green earth would possess a man ta be a sawbones in the first place? An’ what loon, ah ask, would further become motavatid ta lern ta fight AN’ be a doc at the same dern time? I mean, imagine that, if ya will…“Have at ya, varlet!” an’ then a few seconds later, “ooh, that looks painful…hold still an’ I’ll stitch ya up.”
'Specially a dern IRISHMAN. Cain't unnerstan' a word that comes outer they mouths. No proper King's English that's fer sure. Not lak me. Born an' raised speakin' it, I wuz.
Ah SAID, Born an' raised speakin' it, I wuz. What's yer problem? Cain't ya unnerstan the native language when it's bein' spoken by a native???
Anyway.
An’ ah know yer wonderin’ what the crep any of this has ter do with Rufus an’ Johan an’ MacDonald.
Well siddown an’ shaddap and I’ll explain it fer ya, since ya asked so nice-like.
Remember ah said Rufus an’ Johan an’ MacDonald wuzzn’t so good wit’ da spellin’ an’ such. Waal, then, ya wouldn’t expect ‘em to be all that bright when it came ta recruitin crews either. So a’course the first nut they all laid eyes on wuz the doc. Had a mouth on him, he did. An’ they figgers anybody with a mouth that big oughta be able ta back it up.
Little did they know. Hehe…anyway, so they’ve buried their loot, right? An’ now they’s lookin’ fer more crew, cuz we all know the three of ‘em cain’t sail the Mainly Gauche by theirselves. But one of ‘em had hisself an ouchie…seems he sprained his big toe kickin’ one o’ t’others in the butt fer somethin’ er other. So they went an’ tried ta find themselves a doc.
Well they found ‘im right enough. Brandon Cassidy.
No, I ain’t makin’ that one up neither. NO, I dunno how it’s spelt. That’s just whut it looks lak ta me.
Anyways, ol’ Brandon wuz a doc aboard the Screaming Doo…
NO, I ain’t makin’ none of these up, dangit! It ain’t mah fault if these ferriners cain’t spell nor speak nor write ner nothin’! Do yer wanna heer this storey er not!
A’ight then. That’s better. Now Brandon, he’s no slouch with a pokey-stick, but Rufus an’ Johan an’ MacDonald, they’ve seen them a few too many pirate movies…
Plays, I mean. Plays. So they wanna make sure Brandon’s got whut they think it takes ta be a reel (get it? Movie reel…aw never mind) pirate.
So they commences ta settin’ up this dern crazy Pirate Obstacle Course which is, if ah say so maself, a humdinger. They’ve sat around and come up with some crazy stuff about how smart a feller is, how fast, how quick, whether he’s any good with a pokey-stick, whether he knows reel gold frum fool’s gold, stuff like that.
[Warning: long borin’ description of The Swashbuckling Course follers this... If ya wanna skip to the good part, be ma guest.]
Stage 1: The Rope Swing
Stand on a box roughly 2.5-3 ft high and swing (feet cannot touch the ground until landing) into a circle roughly 10' diameter.
Stage 2: Avoid the Obstacle
From the circle you run towards a rope roughly 4' off the ground. Avoid it by either jumping it or ducking under it.
Stage 3: Retrieve Your Sword, Sir
Climb a ladder and reach your sword (a foil hanging from a rope looped around a branch) and climb down.
Stage 4: I Don't Believe They Exist
2" x 12"s are laid out in 90 degree angles in a rough path around a stuffed ROUS hanging off a rope. Two people are swinging the ROUS at the contestant. The contestant has a 10 second penalty any time a) either foot touches the ground or b) he is hit by the ROUS without having the foil make contact with the ROUS first.
Stage 5: Swishy-Pokey
A table is laid out with children's blocks stacked on it. One set of blocks is laid out on top of another set of blocks. Alternating blocks in the top row are one color, all the other blocks are another color. The blocks of the first color have to be knocked off the top without disturbing the other color blocks. 10 second penalty for each block of the wrong color that gets knocked over. Sounds easy? You have to knock the blocks off with the tip of your foil. At arm's length. No cheating by standing close.
Stage 6: Scrounging for Ducats
a treasure chest is closed at this station. The contestant must open the chest, and gains a ten second, 30 second, or 1 minute bonus for every "coin" he can scrounge out of the chest depending on the color of the “coin”). Most of the chest is filled with (edible) popcorn though.
Stage 7: Sign On The Dotted Line
An easel has been set up with a special foil beside it. This foil has a permanent marker taped to the tip. The contestant must pick up the foil, stand at arm's length, and make a legitimate attempt to "slash" one of two or three letters (up to the judges ahead of time). Either a Z, for obvious reasons, an X, because it's easy, or their own first initial (either their modern name or SCA name, their choice). At that point they say "DONE" and the stopwatch stops.
O’course, the doc reads this and about has heart failure. But he’s a MAN, BAH GAWD, an’ he’s gonna take a chance at it anyway. Cuz he wants ta be a crewman on the Mainly Gauche so bad yer can smell it.
Eew… Waal, anyway, he makes it. Ah guess. They let him be on the crew however ya look at it. So he thinks he’s just all that an’ a bag o’ gold to boot, an’ goes ashore an’ starts challengin’ other crews ta fights. An’ befer ya knows it, they decide ta make it a general inveetashun ta anybody what’s got a pokey-stick.
An’ ah think that’s where we’ll leave THAT lil’ story til’ next time.
O’course ah always stop ‘em jus’ when they’re gettin’ good! How else ya think I gets anybody ta pay fer me rum?